Don't Bring Me Down!

I'm going to wager a guess and say that we probably have a lot more in common than you might initially anticipate. For example, I'm fairly certain that you, like me, probably get down on yourself for all the things that you've got on your to-do list, some of which have been on there since 2009 (I really, really need to clean out my closet...sheesh!). Like me, you probably have a tendency to say "Yes" to everything, piling on commitments and responsibilities, instead of saying "No" or politely declining instead. That might upset someone and, as a consummate people pleaser, the very thought of that isn't possible. I've been promising myself and others that I would get to this blog post for two weeks now and today, it's finally happening. And here's why: I love to do it but, when I put it on the to-do list with all the other mundane and/or seemingly insurmountable tasks (Anyone wanna buy a 1994 Mercedes SL320, because I've got one for sale and have no clue what I'm doing??), it turns into something that joins the list of chores, like cleaning out the litter box or taking out the recycling. It feels good to get those things done (and the house doesn't smell like dirty cat litter) but those things really aren't high up on my list of significant accomplishments, like sitting down and devoting myself to writing a blog post. When I finish this post, I'll hit "Publish" and walk away, knowing that I did something that makes me happy and I can cross it off of my to-do list for today. So that's why I hauled my butt out of the comfort of my Sunday bed, put down the silly book I'm reading, and cracked open my computer to tell you a story. Here it is:

When I was 16 years old, I got my driving license and my mum scraped together, unbeknownst to me as I thought there was never any shortage of available funds coming from my single mother, enough money to buy me a car, a 1986 Suzuki Samurai. In retrospect, upon examination of said vehicle's safety ratings and performance ratings, this probably wasn't the best choice for ANYONE, let alone a 16-year-old girl with a fresh driving license, but it was beach-proof and I could take the top off (and, subsequently, struggle in the dark when I came home to snap the damn thing back on or I'd end up with an inch of water on my floorboards from the frequent, almost nightly, thunderstorms that are common in Florida). I suppose it was a good thing that the Samurai wasn't anything close to what would be considered high-performance because it probably kept me out of trouble throughout it's tenure in my driving life, especially on the highway, where I was lucky to hit 60mph, going downhill, with the wind pushing me. Unfortunately, because of it's substandard safety ratings, it made it a less-than-ideal vehicle to be in an accident whilst driving. This happened twice, within three months of each other, and they were exactly the same kind of accidents, the first more serious than the second.

I was edged out into traffic in the right-hand turn lane, about to make the leap from side road to main thoroughfare when the opportunity for me to do so got taken up by a car sliding from one lane to another into my spot. I stopped and, unfortunately, the woman driving a much newer, much more solid car, rammed pretty solid into the back of my little Samurai, pushing it perpendicular to oncoming traffic. My foot had slipped off the clutch so there I was, stalled out and scared to pieces, while I looked out the driver's side window and watched cars coming directly at me. I jammed my foot on the clutch, started the car, put it in gear, and pulled the fastest U-turn I could to get onto the shoulder of the road. I got out of the car, shaking and nauseous. The woman who had hit me had already pulled over and witnessed the whole thing with me momentarily paralyzed in the middle of a fairly busy highway during rush-hour traffic. She apologized and we walked to the nearest payphone (for my younger audience, a payphone was a public telephone that demanded a quarter and then allowed you to make a phone call. They often had phone books attached to them, which listed everyone's name and phone number and at least part of their address. Yes, this was a real thing.). She called 911 and relayed what happened and told the police that we were physically fine so there was no need for an ambulance or fire trucks or any of that other nonsense, just the police officer to record the accident and make sure we exchanged insurance information.

He showed up less than an hour later, did what he had to do and left. She got in her car, I got in mine and we drove our separate ways home. I felt shaken but mostly fine at the time when I called my mother to let her know what happened and that I was home. She immediately told me to go take a hot bath and lay down. I did that and still felt okay, even when I was going to bed a little later that night. When I woke up the next morning, it was all I could do to move my legs, the pain was relentless and seemingly everywhere.

And that, my friends, was the beginning of a life sentence of chronic pain, which I mitigate with yoga, nutritional supplements, hydration, massage, and happy thoughts. Some days are much better than others and some days aren't. Today was one of the not so great day, which is why it was all the more important for me to sit down and  do this, write this, share it, and let you know that you're not alone. Don't let it bring you down and, if you do, don't let that bring you down further. It's okay to be down sometimes. It's okay to say "No" to things, to decline an invitation, to set boundaries for yourself. It's okay, and probably necessary, for you to have a day that's just for you, where you can enjoy your surroundings and inspire yourself to do something you enjoy.

Baby, please don't go!

I've contemplated writing about this for many reasons. Who is willing to bare their heart and soul? But it's something I have to get out. To let go of. To release so I can sleep better at night. Here is goes...A  preface: I can write about anything and nothing because I can research the hell out of anything. That's one thing my very expensive grad school education taught me how to do and how to do well. What any education doesn't teach you is how to let it go, how to cope, how to accept that your life is no longer what you thought, or envisioned it to be. And now I sit, in front of my computer, wondering, wishing, praying, how to do just that. Companies ask for writing samples and I get it...you want professional writing samples of work but, in the end, what really matters is how well you can speak to the human condition of life. Being a human is really challenging work and translating that is even more challenging.
If I were to begin writing my own story, there are incidents that I could relate that amount to nothing more than trauma-bonding. Yes, I was in NYC during 9-11. Yes, I was a Hurricane Katrina refugee. Yes, I went through Hurricane Wilma and Irma. Yes, I can go #metoo. But I won't do that at this point. Maybe some point in the future when I know you and you know me, we'll talk. All of these events that I've lived through have contributed to making me a stronger, more resilient human being, not one to crumble, walk away from the challenges of existence. My story goes like this: I was there. I survived. And, at this point, I took advantage of all the tools available to me to be stronger. You have that power in you as well. Trust me. I know from experience....lots and lots of experience. There aren't enough photos to articulate my point. There aren't enough ways for me to say, "I've got you." But there are enough shared experiences for me to say, "I understand you and we can do the thing together." Because we can. Because we are stronger together than we are apart. Because, with the right network of friends, family, and unexpected alliances, we can DO the thing. It's because of you that I know better days are ahead, that I can breathe through it, that I have faith in humanity as a whole. WE can do this and don't you forget it. Don't give up on You because the essential you still resides there. Grieve if that's what is part of your life right now. Celebrate every aspect of your being because it is worth celebrating. Do You because You a worthwhile endeavor. You are a worthwhile endeavor. And, if you need measurement that you are beautiful, kind, worthwhile, and a cause for celebration, please let me know. I'm not a licensed therapist but I am ready, willing, and able to bolster you. Let's not trauma-bond. Let's just bond, on a real human level. I'll tell you the whole of my story, warts and all, later. You deserve to know me and I want to know you.